Attempting optimistic misanthropy

Dear Brits, Start Fucking

Posted by Hussyville on September 7, 2013

Image by Lynda Sanchez on TwitterTo know what they’re thinking and for occasional amusement, I dip into the right-wing press from time to time. Just the Telegraph and the Spectator, mind; I’m too much of a delicate flower to cope with the Daily Mail. The type of comments that appear below an article will generally be the same: UKIP, immigration, David Cameron’s unsuitability as a political leader, the loss of national sovereignty to the EU, that sort of thing.

When I saw the recent Steerpike article in the Spectator about Vinnie Jones (retired footballer and apparent actor) bemoaning the state of modern Britain, I cackled and had already started playing right-wing comment bingo before I had finished reading the first paragraph. And sure enough, the comments did not disappoint. Readers asserted that Jones was right in his claim that the England he remembers (despite being Welsh) is not English any longer and is now just “European”. Immigration and multiculturalism were to blame, and the country is going to the dogs because of all those foreign folk who are coming over here and doing stuff.

Hi, Brits! I am one of your friendly resident aliens, upping the melanin count and generally preventing the country from returning to the halcyon days when olive oil was strictly for medicinal use and men could beat their wives with impunity. Did I mention that I have taken one of your menfolk out of the dating pool? Don’t worry, he’s coping quite well in captivity.

The problem, if you are concerned that there are too many foreigners in the country, is that there aren’t enough of you indigenous types. Capitalism requires the movement of money and labour, and it appears that even with a couple of million unemployed, you guys still need to import some bodies to get stuff done. The business lobby demands it!

The thing is, Brits, is that you’re not working hard enough to keep the country Anglo-Saxon and prone to sunburn. We immigrants are now responsible for 25% of births. What are you doing, you slackers? Look, it’s perfectly simple: while you guys are busy pining for the time when half the globe was a British colony and grime music hadn’t been invented, us foreigners are busy seducing the natives (and each other), birthing half-citizen babies and contributing to the crisis in primary school places.

If you want your country back, if you want to return to the “good old days”, you need to start having more babies. A future generation that will do away with the need for weirdo people from far away to staff your hospitals, pick your crops, man your pubs and issue your parking tickets. Granted, this is something the Nazis tried to do, and yes, it does mean that some British women who are currently not interested in having children may have to set aside their preferences for the greater good, but you are doing this to keep Britain white, dammit!

So, patriotic Britons, get to the baby-making. Make sure you check your co-parent’s lineage first, though, to ensure their family is listed in the Domesday Book. Outbreed the immigrant hordes, and soon the United Kingdom will once again be a land where Factor 30 sunscreen is not just a necessity but a sacrament. To inspire you, I’ll play you out with this inspirational track from one of your former colonies:


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Fuck, Marry or Kill: Ray Liotta in “Unlawful Entry”

Posted by Hussyville on June 25, 2011

Fuck: yes, but I’d have to tie him to the bed, just in case

Marry: no. I do not have a death wish or the need to be in a state of perpetual anxiety

Kill: in the end it’s for the common good, so yes.

Sorry, Ray. It’s just too risky to try to make this a long-term relationship. But the sex will be great while it lasts!

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Omarion and Sexuality: None of Our Business

Posted by Hussyville on January 9, 2011

Omarion (image via Flickr)I have no idea who Omarion is (I am desperately unfashionable, kids). A cursory Google brings up something about boy-band B2K whose hit “Bump Bump Bump” I can just about remember if I squint really hard and pretend to be a teenager again. But he entered my Twitter feed and hence my consciousness this weekend because he had apparently come out as bisexual.

The original story appeared to be a blog post on TheGrapeJuice, which in turn linked to a website that does free press releases. Apparently there’s been some trouble between Omarion and his erstwhile bandmates, so it wasn’t surprising that a number of his fans refused to believe the announcement, suspecting dirty tricks. And it appears that they were right to be sceptical (I will never spell that word with a K) as Omarion himself later tweeted that he had not sent out the press release and that he is a confirmed heterosexual.

What I found interesting was not the announcement itself — “Singer is Bisexual?” Meh — but the reaction of various people on Twitter who I assumed to be fans, some of whom were rapidly reaching for “former fan” status, as though listening to his songs or having any of them on their iPods would somehow infect them with his (now denied) bisexuality. Tweets about how listening to his music would make you partially gay, or how any singers he collaborated with in the future would also fall under suspicion of not being 100% heterosexual were not hard to find. I’m not even going to bother with the casual homophobia.

Also interesting were the tweets that ignored the fact that the press release clearly stated that Omarion (or his imposter) identified as bisexual. For some reason, this is not allowed. You are either gay or straight, and bisexuals don’t exist: “Dude, you’re not bisexual, you’re GAY!” I am still trying to wrap my head around the logic that would allow for gays and straights to exist without bisexuals. Especially as so much mainstream heterosexual porn features girl-on-girl scenes these days. What’s good for the goose is supposed to be good for the gander, after all.

The fact is, unless we are one of the people that Omarion is hopping into bed with, it really isn’t any of our business who he fucks. I get the unspoken contract between male R&B singers and their (mostly female) fans that they have to project the image of a fantasy boyfriend. I understand why, if that fantasy is shattered or otherwise altered by learning that the object of your fantasy might swing the other or both ways, there might be some disappointment that a fantasy is now even more unlikely to come true. But I still don’t understand why this is anyone’s business. It doesn’t change the lyrics of the songs he sang, nor any of the sentiments behind them.

What I also don’t understand is the attempt, mainly by male twitterers, to erase bisexuality. Why is it so important to them to compartmentalise people into gay, straight and nothing in between? Once again, whether they are fans or not, unless they are one of Omarion’s paramours, it’s none of their business and was unlikely to ever become so.

I do wonder if this has anything to do with acceptance of LGBTQ sexuality being less widespread in the black community, along with the hyper-machismo of modern hip-hop slipping over into R&B. But those deserve blog posts of their own, and have probably been done previously and more thoroughly elsewhere. Nevertheless, the fact remains, who Omarion is sleeping with is none of our business, and until we can accept this, there will not be any R&B or hip-hop stars coming out, because such an annoucement still has the power to shock some tender souls and to destroy a career.

Entertainers naturally give up some of their privacy when they step on to the  public stage. But I can’t help feeling that who they are sleeping with is one of the things fans really don’t need to know. And hopefully, in future, is one of the things fans will not even care about.

[Image via Flickr]

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Things to Think About This Weekend

Posted by Hussyville on November 6, 2010

Ben Piette, Masterchef contestant

Image via

Sexy sexy Frenchmen who cook
Masterchef: the Professionals came to an end this week and gave its salivating audience it’s first female winner! Congratulations to Claire Lara! Double mazel tov, in fact, because a little bird tells me that she is in the family way. But the highlight of the series for me was Ben Piette, with his accent, his eyes, his smile, his cheekbones, his sheer goddamn sexiness distracting me from his food. Dammit! I reckon this is why Kate Spicer wasn’t a food critic this series. Also? Claire and Ben should never have been teamed up in the same heat for elimination as they were both so good. Whatshisface who couldn’t serve up a damn dish on time to save his life should never have got within sniffing distance of the final. Team Ben!

Do you have a thirty-year career that you’d like to destroy in under 24 hours? You do? Great! Let me direct your attention to this timeline which you can use as a template when you are ready for your career and reputation to go down in flames and the ground on which they stood be salted so that nothing will ever grow there again. Maybe one day you too can end up like Judith Griggs: roundly condemned, ridiculed and Google-bombed into a neologism. If, on the other hand, you like your career and reputation, just pour yourself a glass of wine and have a laugh at one so-called editor’s rank stupidity as you follow the various link related to the Cooks Source scandal.

Anger for another’s misfortune
Noirin Shirley, a woman I have never met and am not even an internet acquaintance of, was sexually assaulted recently. That is bad enough, but what makes it worse are the pathetic attempts at slut-shaming and justification on her attacker’s behalf by certain commenters at Hacker News and at Reddit. Each and every person who has spouted off about what women should do to protect themselves and how unfair it is that a man’s name is in the public domain would make the world a better place if they put their keyboards down and just read this, again and again and again, until they get it. If you have an spare good karma, make sure you send it Noirin Shirley’s way.

Adorable baby animals
And if that just depresses you to the point that all you want to do is retire to bed with a bottle of whiskey, perhaps these baby otters will manage to raise a smile before you go back to hating humanity. I love otters, both freshwater and sea. Otters are just about the only thing that can cheer me up after I read the brainfarts of misogynistic wankstains in the same weekend that my beloved Leicester Tigers lost a match to <spit!> Quins. If the baby otters can soothe me when I’m in a black mood, maybe they’ll work for you too.

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Families Can Be Embarrassing, No Matter How Awesome You Are

Posted by Hussyville on November 4, 2010

Rachida Dati is a French UMP Member of the European Parliament, but until recently she was the first woman of North African heritage to sit in the French cabinet, as Minister of Justice. She is known for being glamourous and pretty kick-ass, notably being back at her desk just five days after giving birth.

Sadly, despite her achievements, Ms. Dati’s immediate family are taking a little of the shine off her career. Her brother was arrested in Belgium yesterday on charges of heroin and marijuana possession. This comes after another brother was given a suspended sentence, again on drugs charges.

None of this should reflect on Ms. Dati, who as far as I know has never been implicated in her siblings’ crimes. Still, it must be incredibly frustrating to be not only an woman in politics, but an ethnic minority woman in politics, and to realise that your own family are perpetuating the stereotypes that you have been fighting against for your entire life.

Keep your head up, Rachida. Rational folk know that you are not your brothers’ keeper.

[Image via Flickr]

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