Attempting optimistic misanthropy

Posts Tagged ‘Douche Canoe’

Douche Canoe of the Day

Posted by Hussyville on March 7, 2010

This is will be an irregular feature, calling attention to various weirdoes, nut-nuts and assorted misfits whose I happen to hear about.

The inaugural DCotD goes to one Sarah Burge, who has shelled out fuck knows how much money to transform herself into a self-described “Real Life Barbie.” That, however, is not why she’s here. Though the cray-cray must be running strong in someone for them to aspire to resemble a child’s doll, it is not my place to tell a grown woman what to do with her money or her body.

No, the reason Lady Burge of WTF caused me keen impotently at the ceiling is because she is already performing Botox injections on her 16 year-old daughter. It’s preventative, you see, so the poor lamb never has to suffer the indignity of getting wrinkles.

Give me strength. First, I am fairly certain that just because you have a smooth forehead doesn’t mean that you are not sagging elsewhere. Time cannot go backwards, and gravity will have its due. Second, once you start Botox, you can’t very well stop, can you? The effect would be akin to unveiling the portrait you’ve been hiding in the attic. I did wonder how poor young Hannah would manage paying for Botox on a student loan if she’s at university in a couple of years, but then I reminded myself that Mummy Dearest has become so adept at injections that she’s now a qualified aesthetic practitioner, so all it will take is a couple of trips home every so often and all will be well. Those rumours in the student union about her being a zombie due to her dead-eyed, expressionless face will be water off a duck’s back.

But even that is not quite bad enough. No, what catapults Sarah Burge to full-on Douche Canoe status is the fact that she believes that anyone who disapproves is just jealous, because they are “big, fat, [and] ugly” with crap sex lives. All of them. *Sigh* Let us just imagine what it must have been like growing up with this specimen for a mother, seeing her go for multiple life-threatening surgeries, pumping herself full of toxins, all in the name of looking like a plastic toy. Being told that you can only have a good personality if you are pretty enough, and that being pretty is the most important thing about you. Being told that anyone who disagrees with you is just jealous, because they are not as much of a special snowflake as you are (although you need to be careful you don’t put on any weight, because then you’d be ugly!).

So Sarah Burge is my first Douche Canoe of the Day not because she is doing her best to approximate a fictional woman. Rather, it’s because her noxious lack of self-awareness and projection of her own insecurities has led to a situation where her adolescent daughter is anxious enough about her appearance that she is willingly subjecting herself to a wholly unnecessary cosmetic procedure.


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