Attempting optimistic misanthropy

Posts Tagged ‘UK’

Dear Brits, Start Fucking

Posted by Hussyville on September 7, 2013

Image by Lynda Sanchez on TwitterTo know what they’re thinking and for occasional amusement, I dip into the right-wing press from time to time. Just the Telegraph and the Spectator, mind; I’m too much of a delicate flower to cope with the Daily Mail. The type of comments that appear below an article will generally be the same: UKIP, immigration, David Cameron’s unsuitability as a political leader, the loss of national sovereignty to the EU, that sort of thing.

When I saw the recent Steerpike article in the Spectator about Vinnie Jones (retired footballer and apparent actor) bemoaning the state of modern Britain, I cackled and had already started playing right-wing comment bingo before I had finished reading the first paragraph. And sure enough, the comments did not disappoint. Readers asserted that Jones was right in his claim that the England he remembers (despite being Welsh) is not English any longer and is now just “European”. Immigration and multiculturalism were to blame, and the country is going to the dogs because of all those foreign folk who are coming over here and doing stuff.

Hi, Brits! I am one of your friendly resident aliens, upping the melanin count and generally preventing the country from returning to the halcyon days when olive oil was strictly for medicinal use and men could beat their wives with impunity. Did I mention that I have taken one of your menfolk out of the dating pool? Don’t worry, he’s coping quite well in captivity.

The problem, if you are concerned that there are too many foreigners in the country, is that there aren’t enough of you indigenous types. Capitalism requires the movement of money and labour, and it appears that even with a couple of million unemployed, you guys still need to import some bodies to get stuff done. The business lobby demands it!

The thing is, Brits, is that you’re not working hard enough to keep the country Anglo-Saxon and prone to sunburn. We immigrants are now responsible for 25% of births. What are you doing, you slackers? Look, it’s perfectly simple: while you guys are busy pining for the time when half the globe was a British colony and grime music hadn’t been invented, us foreigners are busy seducing the natives (and each other), birthing half-citizen babies and contributing to the crisis in primary school places.

If you want your country back, if you want to return to the “good old days”, you need to start having more babies. A future generation that will do away with the need for weirdo people from far away to staff your hospitals, pick your crops, man your pubs and issue your parking tickets. Granted, this is something the Nazis tried to do, and yes, it does mean that some British women who are currently not interested in having children may have to set aside their preferences for the greater good, but you are doing this to keep Britain white, dammit!

So, patriotic Britons, get to the baby-making. Make sure you check your co-parent’s lineage first, though, to ensure their family is listed in the Domesday Book. Outbreed the immigrant hordes, and soon the United Kingdom will once again be a land where Factor 30 sunscreen is not just a necessity but a sacrament. To inspire you, I’ll play you out with this inspirational track from one of your former colonies:


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